Let’s talk mental health. If you’re with me on Instagram, you’ve likely seen my posts the past few days about feeling in a funk. I have received an out pour of support on my foodie account, which I could have never expected. Not that I underestimated the support of my followers, I just didn’t realize how many people would feel compelled to reach out & support me to continue to share with transparency.
I think this is important for me to write about because I am sunshine for others. I am told literally on the daily that I feel like sunshine & I love being that. But how do you keep shining for others when you feel dark? Trick question. You don’t. You start shining for yourself.
Seasonal depression or seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a very real thing that many individuals face from fall to spring. It has to do with your biological clock (circadian rhythm) & neurotransmitters, which can get a little wonky due to other seasonal changes. These seasonal changes may also manifest as changes in sleep or eating habits, which we know also impact mental health. Vitamin D is known to play a role in neurotransmitter balance, therefore making it a reasonable prescribed treatment in those with low vitamin D status. Vitamin D is also available through sunlight & exposure, making it a good place to start in the treatment of SAD. It’s not always just because its winter, it could be an indication of other mental conditions that may exist & are attributed to it being winter. Ensure you speak to your doctor if you believe you are experiencing SAD (1).
“You are so strong”
“Keep fighting”
“You are such an inspiration”
Just a few of the supportive comments I received when sharing my history of disordered eating for the first time. But like that was just that one-day. Less than 24 hours of notifications & reminders that I was enough, I was doing my best. One day of support is better than no days of support, but you catch my drift. I felt good for 24 hours. Why not believe on my own that I can be an inspiration? Why keep fighting because someone commented on my Instagram? I have other reasons to keep fighting; I just need to remember them. Why not be my own reminder of being enough? Why couldn’t I be my own sunshine?
I wanted the reminders of support from others, always & unconditionally while being a point of support to them, if necessary. What I want to do with my food account is provide a judgment free space to feel your stresses & anxieties, around food or not & know we are never alone in feeling those, that we are humans; that your feelings & your food choices are valid. This is where you can come to reach out & seek comfort in those times. Because god knows I have been there.
My support system is incredible & I am forever grateful for them. The ones who have stuck around around, that is. I have amazing friends & family & now followers who I can reach out to whenever I need to. I didn’t always feel that way. I thought I could deal with it on my own & I really could have used an account like this. So here I am to be there for everyone like me, who has ever felt the pressure to be thin, to lose weight, to eat solely spinach & grilled chicken & call it life. Here’s the kicker – for those who feel they are failures because the diet industry failed them.
If you want to be your own sunshine, you gotta get rid of the gloom wherever you can. For me, a lot of my gloom came from my personal Instagram. That was not me & didn’t show my identity at all. That was the me I thought everyone wanted to see. It’s exhausting pretending to be someone you’re not. My foodie account is me, take it or leave it. These are my professional & personal thoughts. This is me doing what I want to do, not something I feel obligated to be doing.
I created this space for us. A space that is healthy to follow, that is positive for our mental health, body image & self esteem. A place that reminds us who we are! We are ballers. We are smart, incredible, powerful, hardworking people! Further, I wanted to clarify that dietitians are not the food police. As a profession we are actually very free of judgment. We’re not looking at what you’re eating until we’re trying to look at what you’re eating. Many of us simply love food, & I can only speak for myself, but being a dietitian has made me re fall in love with food again. There are SO many amazing accounts out there ran by registered dietitians spreading similar message & replacing my feed with uplifting & motivational messages made the world of a difference.
I need to get this out. My personal Instagram is out of commission until further notice. I can’t stand how terrible I feel after getting into the depths of the discover page. I don’t like the guilt I feel, looking at old photos. I can’t stand being bombarded by photos that aren’t healthy for me to see. It’s not necessarily the photos; it’s how I see them. I can’t stand the thought of the photos I once edited & posted to that same page, knowing that I was perpetuating the idea that women needed to have smaller bodies to be acknowledged. I edited my photos to fit the same toxic, unrealistic expectation of appearance that I am now trying to fight. Yup, I have edited my body in a photo on my personal Instagram. I am ashamed of it. Not to shame those who have, because I’d be shaming A LOT of people, but in the field of work I am now in, I wish I never would have blurred, slimmed or pretended to be something I’m not. The problem wasn’t me editing the photo to feel good enough to post; the problem was the inability to edit myself to feel good in my own skin. Most of all, I can’t stand my personal account because those who I have supported, those who liked, commented & supported in the past are nowhere to be found as I share my true self – the me minus the edits, niceties & proper Instagram etiquette. I realize now that I shouldn’t have felt the need to edit in the first place. I was scared of people seeing my true body, my true mind, my true self. I wasn’t in a very good place, but mind you, who is at their best at the end of their university education & unpaid, exhausting & emotionally draining internship?
I thought long & hard about deactivating my personal account. I wasn’t expecting all of my followers to scoot on over to my professional account & be as eager to follow as I was to share. The thing is that that account has been with me since the 10th grade. I have lots of friends who I keep in touch with via Insta. When you move 12 times in 23 years, social media becomes a totally different thing. It becomes your contact book because phone numbers are always changing. Fun fact, I have followers on both accounts from elementary school, people I haven’t seen since I was 8 years old. Some people I follow share photos that are triggering to me, but I can’t simply forget about our friendship or joy that they also bring me. By keeping my personal but making it private, I have these connections still, but in a more controlled environment. I don’t want people to follow harmful content - & any account where a smaller body is posted over the larger, is a harmful account.
On my personal account, roughly 65% of my followers are male. On my professional account, 87% of my followers are women. Need I go on?
When I was in Mexico, I was so excited to experience a beach vacation with food freedom. I poured my heart & soul into my foodie account – trying my best to share meaningful & raw content. Then I would post an unedited photo of me at the beach on my personal, it would get tons of likes. New followers, many DM’s & virtually no effort on my part or meaning portrayed. Men (yes, plural) sent me DM’s of the photo, embarrassed to share their cat calling in the public comments was the last straw. Like f*ck that. I’m not here for that. I am a professional woman & proud to be, so you can respect me, please. I am SO much more than you are giving me credit for. Like come on boys. Get it together. So inappropriate, uncalled for, & not welcome on my pages.
I’m doing this for me & for us. For women who don’t feel good enough, through no fault of their own. For women who feel that they need to edit their goddamn photos before posting them. I’m doing this because my brain has SO much more to say than my face or body (edited or unedited) does. I can’t edit my soul. Even if I could, I wouldn’t. If you don’t like it, there are tons of accounts out there with plenty of beautiful people, edited or unedited photos, doing lots of cool things. Go follow one of those. I’m not here for you, I am here for me & us & that is not selfish.
I welcome male followers to my foodie account. I think it would be beneficial for any gendered audience. However in order to be raw, I will be sharing my experiences from the perspective of a woman who has lived until now as a slave to the diet culture industry. The diet culture industry is disturbingly targeted at women, so that’s where I’m going to be.
Your unique gloom is none of my business. The last thing I want is for me to share what puts me in a funk & add one more thing to your list of things that make you feel down. However, still feel comforted by the fact that I am here & can help point you in the direction of other healthcare professionals who specialize in the treatment of mental illness. I experience it after drinking alcohol, working a double (2 shifts in one day for those non-service pals, one day + one night), poor sleep, inability to exercise due to back pain, the list goes on. Let’s not think about the gloom anymore. Let’s think of ways to mitigate it. You have the power, not the gloom.
Find things that remind you what its like to feel like sunshine. For me, I like to get my nails done. There is no glow like the one leaving a salon w a fresh set. I also like to cook a meal, try a new recipe, phone a friend, ultra deep clean my room or apartment, go for a walk. I know dogs can spark a lil flame in me, so you bet I plan my walks where the dogs walk. It doesn’t have to be big. Find your lil things. I have a long list. Take the time to do one or all of the things.
Be your own sunshine by calling your friends for the good & the happy. When we get busy & stressed, it’s easy to isolate yourself. It’s easy to only reach out when we need to. Reach out more when you want to. Share stories of joy, of embarrassment, send memes, funny photos, Snapchats, literally anything. Celebrate your small wins with them. I straight up called Sam the other day to say “I just pet a dog, it was good.” He didn’t answer, I just told him later. Even if you leave a message, or a text for them to answer later, make sure you can still be a little sunshine to them so they can help you shine when you’re feeling dark. I can’t always pickup the phone, so I can’t expect my friends to drop what they’re doing just because I’m calling. By reaching out so for all occasions, it eliminates that sense of fear when we can’t answer. If I’m always calling when I’m sad, a missed call from me might instate a sense of worry or guilt for not being there, at least that’s how it would feel to me. A simple message to say hey, I’m busy, what’s up is how we communicate. I never want my friends to hesitate calling back because they think something is wrong, & they may not have the capacity to deal with whatever is waiting for them on the other end of the line. Being there for a friend helps my light shine a little brighter, even if I’m on the verge of burning out.
Side note – this does not mean you should feel guilty for calling your friends when you need to. Have a list ready if & when you need it. Who would you call? When I am stressed or anxious, my brain doesn’t function. I literally forget the names of everyone I have ever known. I can go to my list, work my way down it & call until someone answers. They will be there for you. Let people who are on your list know they are on yours, because perhaps they have no idea how much they mean to you. You will get the chance to provide support in return. Women supporting women & friends supporting friends! That’s what its all about.
If you want to be your own sunshine, you need to put yourself first, but be kind in doing so. Act with empathy, compassion, respect, patience & genuinely try to be kind, carry yourself with such genuine kindness, perhaps with a smile on your face if you’re feeling it. People will need their shades, because you’re shining so bright. You don’t need to be at your happiest to be kind & respectful. Recognize that others are having a hard day, but that doesn’t make your day any less hard. Demand respect & kindness from your environment in return. Go about your life, do what you gotta do to achieve what you need to achieve. That might look like declining an appointment for later this afternoon because you will stress yourself out too much in preparation for said appointment. Another day would work better. No just me? It might look like rescheduling a coffee date simply because you feel like it. There’s a difference between nope, cancelled, & hey look, I can’t make it, how about we reschedule. There is no shame in rescheduling. If you are not receiving kindness & respect, then you can cancel. Byeeeeee! Spend time in environments that you are receiving it.
To be sunshine, you must understand how powerful your shine is. I am in control of where my sunshine shines. In the process of de-glooming, I learned this. Throwing my effort & everything I have at my foodie Instagram has taught me that I absolutely can make an impact. I don’t care if its 1 person that got the mental health help they need. I don’t care if its one person who needs to hear the IE principles. That’s someone’s life. Who knows, maybe seeing my posts is one of their main sources of sunshine in their life, seeing them occasionally may provide them hope. Your sunshine makes an impact. Choose to be kind, choose to be sunny because you never know who you’re shining on that hasn’t seen the sun in weeks.
Finally to always be sunshine, you have to let yourself okay with being dark. If it was always sunny, that would be exhausting too. We would be really hot. Greta Thunberg would not be thrilled. Let yourself rest & recharge. Have practices in place to let yourself feel. Maybe a bubble bath, or a really sad movie to kick start the cry. Let it out. You’re going to be okay. Some people thrive on cloudy days. Feel what you need to feel. Do or don’t do whatever you need to do or not do. You are the expert of yourself. Celebrate the little wins & keep trying to shine through the overcast. It might not be today, or tomorrow, but the sun will shine again.